You need to be kinder to yourself

Today’s edition of Wishful Working is a 3 minute read.

I tend to be pretty hard on myself.

Growing up, I received a lot of “exceeds expectations” marks on my report cards, and now my expectations for myself are maybe too high. From what I hear, this is common among the straight-A, “gifted” kid set.

It’s not necessarily bad to hold oneself to high standards, but it’s not healthy to base your sense of self-worth on achieving perfection and never making mistakes.

I’m working on it.

Last week, a friend of mine (Hi, Caitlyn!) recommended the book Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. I’ve read and loved three of Brené’s other books, so I promptly hopped on the Libby app and checked out the audiobook.

Atlas of the Heart is essentially a glossary of eighty-seven emotions and experiences. I learned a ton from this book, including some important distinctions (jealousy vs. envy, belonging vs. fitting in) and some brand-new emotions/experiences (freudenfreude, flooding). But one of my favorite chapters was about self-compassion.

In the self-compassion section, the author encourages readers to take the Self-Compassion Test, an online quiz that gives you a score on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being low in self-compassion and 5 being highly self-compassionate.

I scored 1.88.

Yikes. I was disappointed but not surprised. 😅

What was even more interesting was the way the test split the idea of self-compassion into five subtopics: self-kindness, common humanity, mindfulness, self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification. My lowest subscale score was the one related to “common humanity.”

Again, not terribly surprised.

I tend to think my struggles are uniquely my own, and unfortunately, being self-employed sometimes makes self-compassion even harder. Working for yourself (and by yourself) can be isolating and lonely. Add in a dash of imposter syndrome and comparison with other freelancers, and my self-talk often sounds like this:

• I am alone.

• No one else struggles with this.

• Everyone is more successful than me.

• Why can’t I be better?

To add insult to injury, self-employment also makes work-related things feel especially personal. My business is just me. It’s difficult not to feel like my business successes and failures define my personal success and self-worth.

It’s a recipe for self-doubt soup — a swirl of negative feelings that erode my confidence, creativity, and motivation.

I’m glad I’m at least aware of this, and I’m working on recognizing my inherent worth and having compassion for myself when I fall short of my own expectations. 

Being kinder to myself means shifting my self-talk until it sounds more like this: 

• I’m not alone.

• Failure and suffering are part of the human experience.

• Everyone makes mistakes.

• Others would find this hard too.

• No one is perfect.

Being kinder to myself also means making other positive changes, such as: 

• Meeting and building relationships with like-minded freelancers and self-employed people.

• Making time for hobbies and creative projects outside of work.

• Getting fresh air and touching grass.

• Naming those negative feelings and being gentle with myself in those moments.

• Choosing clients and projects that energize and excite me.

I challenge you to be kinder to yourself, too.

You’re not alone, and your inherent worth doesn’t change based on your circumstances or achievements.

Consider this your permission to stop pursuing perfection. 😉 

See you next week,

Kara

Wishful Working is inspired by my desire to see more people enjoy a life not centered around work. For some, the path to freedom and flexibility is through self-employment, but we also need to challenge cultural norms and champion healthier working conditions and work/life balance for all types of workers.

Who am I? I’m a freelance writer and entrepreneur based in small-town Saskatchewan. I write longform content for B2B clients, and I help founders and independents name their brands and projects through a new venture called Naming. Connect with me by replying to this email or finding me on LinkedIn or Twitter.